Secrets and Lies
by MockJayPhoenix12
Summary: Pre-series 4, AU. When Arthur discovers Merlin's magic through sheer accident, the prince must face more difficult choices than he ever wanted to make. Non-slash.
1. Chapter 1

A/N- This story was rendered authentic universe after Uther died, but I thought some of you might still enjoy anyway! I wrote this almost two years ago, so I can't guarantee the writing quality. It's a reveal fic- I've written about half a dozen, and this is the best, I think. As always, I'd love to hear all your honest thoughts! ;D 5-12-11 Secrets and Lies Chap. 1, Discussion_Merlin_

"Something's bothering you, Arthur," I built up my courage to say at last. "What is it?"

Still watching the campfire to avoid my eyes, Arthur didn't respond, instead busying himself about straightening his bedroll beside him.

"Arthur," I tried again, growing anxious for an answer. To see him quiet and brooding was one thing, but cold? That was cause for worry.

"We should get some sleep," Arthur said stiffly, pulling back the blanket and uprooting his work.

I wasn't about to let him so easily hide what was on his mind, and moved around the fire to sit closer across from him, stopping my master with one hand firmly around his wrist.

The glare I received was disturbing to say the least. "Release me," Arthur demanded.

Faltering under that look, I obeyed without further question, returning to my side of the fire.

From sheltered glances, I noticed that Arthur's stare had dropped to the ground, where it remained for a long while. When he next spoke, it sounded distant and abrupt to my ears, though that was not all due to the preceding silence.

"I saw what you did."

Gradually, I met his eyes, ready to deny what I knew I wouldn't be able to escape. "What?"

"Don't pretend to not know what I'm talking about!" Arthur answered with a scowl. "Fire doesn't start by itself, Merlin; don't think you can trick me into thinking otherwise."

"…I wouldn't think of doing that," I replied quietly, my own gaze downcast; suddenly understanding the anger and hurt that had entered the prince's demeanor, making it all the more painful to observe. It was too late to realize that I should have waited longer after he'd left to collect firewood.

It was strange how, after all that I'd gone through to keep this hidden, it had slipped out all the same- and on account of something so trivial as this very campfire. I would have guessed for this moment to feel much more horrible and frightening than I could have imagined, and yet, I found myself almost numb to it. Except for my reaction to Arthur's anger, I'm not sure that I knew how to feel.

"How long have you hidden this?"

I winced at the harsh tone. I suppose I'd initially hoped for more understanding on his part, foolish though that was. "Arthur-"

"How long have you been lying to me?"

"Listen, I never wanted to lie to you, or anyone. It's hard to explain, but- if I'd not kept this secret, I would be dead now."

"Is that so far from what you deserve?" Arthur ranted. I hoped he didn't mean what he was saying, but hoping was a precarious business. "Sorcery was outlawed for a reason, Merlin," he went on, "and if you don't live by the laws, you will end up paying for it."

I hated the way that he sounded just like his father when he said that. "I was born this way, Arthur; I can't help who I am- nor do I want to." I couldn't stop myself from going on- for how else to make him understand? "This… ability was given me for a reason. I've never used it to corrupt, or to gain power for myself, and I never would." I sighed when Arthur's distrusting scowl only deepened. "How can you consider me evil for that?"

"Merlin, it's against the laws of Camelot," the prince answered sternly. "It doesn't matter how you were born, you are not _allowed_ to practice magic."

I shook my head with a grimace. This was even more difficult to explain. "Arthur, magic isn't just something I was born with, it's… it's a part of me; it's who I am."

I swallowed hard as I thought of what I was about to ask, for I had to know- what would Arthur's course of action be, now that he'd learnt the truth?

"I know that you're the king's son," I began, "and I don't ask that you lie to him, but… you know that he'd have me killed if he were to find out about this." I felt a bit of hope when I saw how conflicted the prince appeared to be about that.

"No one _has_ to practice magic, Merlin," he said in a voice of steel, which I hadn't expected. He was speaking to me almost as he did to an enemy. "_You_ didn't have to."

"But would it have made a difference, whether I used my powers or not? Not to your father. That's not what matters to him. You know the kind of bitterness he has against sorcery; it clouds his judgement. The sentences he gives to sorcerers are nearly always so unfair and unreasonable-"

"Who are you to challenge the king's judgement, M_er_lin?" Arthur questioned. It was one thing to dislike the glare he bent on me- but I was also coming to fear it.

"…I'm not challenging him, or you," I said gently, holding his gaze despite the toll it took on the composure I was doing my best to maintain. "All I want is… just the chance to be who I am. And that's against the law. But- …Arthur, I know I have no right to ask this, but if you were to not tell anyone…" I trailed off, my hope diminishing. Arthur's scowl hardened, so much that I barely recognized him anymore.

"So you would have me betray him," he suggested, beneath his breath, though I heard him perfectly well.

"_No_," I insisted, frowning with hurt by what he must be thinking of me.

Arthur shook his head, briefly rubbing his temples with his forefingers. "It's funny really," he said, sounding anything but amused. "All these past years, you've been hiding under our very noses. How many sorcerers have we caught and killed during then- the whole time missing the one masquerading as a simple, idiotic servant?"

There was a difference in his voice just then. I'd grown so used to hearing him call me an idiot, but the way he said it that time- it stung. And it never stings.

"I'm sorry it had to be like this," I whispered, realizing that I hadn't a right or reason to hope anymore.

"So am I," Arthur answered promptly, in a tone that was oddly light for the conversation.

I just slightly inclined my head, afraid to ask… "What do you mean?"

It encouraged me that he appeared almost sympathetic when he said, "If you hadn't given yourself away, Merlin… well, we might have gone on being- whatever it is that we were."

He had nearly said 'friends'- I was sure of it, but even more clear was his use of the past tense.

Suddenly interested in twisting the ring on his finger, Arthur's eyes didn't stray from it as he continued. "You could have gone on fooling everyone- if you hadn't been… such an idiot."

His grim tone made my blood feel cold. "What are you going to do?"

Seconds passed slowly; still he didn't respond.

"I would… understand… if you were to turn me in," I told him, painful though it was. "I mean- you seem to think that I've deliberately hurt you, but _please_, believe me when I tell you, it was _never_ my intention to do that. Still, I wouldn't blame you if-"

"I can't just watch you die, Merlin!" Arthur exclaimed. His expression had never been more unbearable, because now, pain and concern overruled the anger. "…But I _will not_ betray my father," he finished.

"I'll accept whatever sentence you decide for me," I said finally. Forcing myself to meet his troubled eyes and adopting a quiet solemnity to secure his full attention, I went on. "But know, Arthur, that whatever happens, my loyalty has always been to you, and that won't change."

Arthur snorted, raising his eyes. "How can I trust a man who's lied to me?"

I didn't know what I should say to that; but I did have to wonder whether this was angry rambling, or truly how he was coming to look on me. The person who'd lied to him; not the servant who'd become a friend, or even the boy who'd saved his life- more times than he knew. It had been a long, hard road, getting him to respect me for who he thought I was. Now what was that worth, considering that he couldn't even accept who I really was?

"Why did you ever have to come to Camelot, Merlin?" Arthur asked, his voice casual, almost disinterested. "You could've just saved everyone the trouble."

"Are you saying that you wish we'd never even met?" He couldn't mean that.

Only a brief hesitation preceded Arthur's nod as he stared me down once again.

I took to fiddling with the hem of my sleeve as I gathered the will to speak. "Are you going to turn me in? …Will you at least tell me what's going to happen to me?"

That time he didn't hesitate to shake his head. "No, I won't- I _can't_ because, I'm not sure myself."

It was a rare thing that he ever looked so uncertain, and on the occasions that he did- well, he'd taken to seeking my advice, and usually took it. But torn between the role of confidant and that of captor, he shook his head.

"I need some time to think," he said, got to his feet, and walked away. I remained sitting for some time before laying out my bedroll and trying to get some sleep.

…Seeing that I wasn't totally resigned to my fate, one can understand why I didn't catch a wink.

_Arthur_

I paid no heed to where I was; just walked in a straight line until I reached a place where I was no longer touched by the firelight. When that happened, and I did stop, my thoughts became more functional.

Of all the things I could have imagined of Merlin, this was not one of them. And because of this new revelation, I held his life in my hands.

However, still getting over the surprise of the thought, I wondered- how could I make the decision of whether he would live or die?

In the back of my mind, I knew I could never turn Merlin in to be executed, no matter what he'd done, because- harmless fool that he is- I knew he could never do anything to deserve such a heavy sentence- nor would I be willing to give it to him.

But then there was my father- the king to whom I'd sworn my allegiance. If he ever found out that I'd covered for a sorcerer- never mind that this sorcerer was a comrade to whom I owed my life- he might dismiss me from the royal court altogether. Not to mention that I'd never forgive myself for disobeying him behind his back.

…Yet I would have had more trouble forgiving myself for standing by and letting my servant be killed; my personal fate wasn't so horrible as what would await him were the truth discovered. Allowing his death was something that I knew I couldn't do… but to send him away, alone,- was that really what he deserved?

He'd been lying to me all this time, I remembered. I reminded myself what a liar he was; a sneaking, lying, fraud…

And I just couldn't bring myself to truly hate him for it. He told me he'd been born with magic, and I believed him- throwing caution to the wind, I suppose, but it was just so natural to trust Merlin, even in spite of this. Perhaps it was foolish to trust him, but if having magic had _happened_ to him- rather than him choosing to practice it entirely of his own accord- then how guilty was he? …And how could I send him away?

_Quite simply. I can tell him that he should be grateful that I'm turning him out, instead of turning him in._

Then there was the thought that I might simply do as he'd asked. I might keep his secret, and act as if I'd not seen a thing.

But that _would _mean lying to my father. Not that it _wasn't_ doing so to let him get away, though it wasn't the same. To allow him to continue to fool the king would be as good as betraying him, and that was another thing I could never do.

The place where my loyalty lay was in question. Would I help Merlin- because he was much more than just a servant; because he _was_ my friend- or go by my father's rules- because he was the king, and I'd sworn on my life to obey him?

One way or another, this wouldn't be easy on Merlin or myself.

It was at least an hour later when I returned to our campfire. I didn't overlook the fact that its making was the accidental cause of my troubled mind tonight.

Merlin lay with his back to it- unmoving, though I doubted he was asleep. I imagine that his state of mind was even more troubled than my own. Some time after I'd lain down in my own bedding, I heard him move, but couldn't bring myself to turn and face him when he began to speak.

"I am sorry that I lied, Arthur," he told me softly. "I'm really sorry. For so long, I have wanted to tell you. And now I just wish that you could understand. …No matter what you decide, I do want you to forgive me, if you can."

I shifted, lying flat on my back where I could turn my head slightly, just enough to look at him.

"I never wanted to lie to you," he whispered, desperately searching my face.

I looked away again. "But you did, Merlin," I replied simply. No sooner did I ask myself, _Why do I always choose the words that I know will cut the deepest?_


	2. Chapter 2

5-28-11

Chap. 2, Decision

_Merlin_

I was up before the dawn next morning, as sleep had eluded me the rest of that night, and tossing and turning had me driven to near madness.

I'd felt admittedly begrudging when I noticed Arthur dropping off during the night, for I was just as tired as he must have been. It only fueled my discontent to think that he wasn't as unsettled about this as I was.

I'd packed up the camp and was saddling the horses when I heard him stir, but only out of the corner of my eye did I see him sit up. I knew he was waiting for me to face him- I busied myself with adjusting his horse's girth to avoid it-, as he remained in place for several tedious seconds before folding up his bedding. I moved over to my own horse when he made to put it away in his saddlebag.

"I've made up my mind," he told me suddenly. One hand keeping an iron grip on my horse's bridle, I turned to him, fearfully hesitant. As hard as he tried to firm his expression, I could tell that he didn't like what he was about to say. "I won't turn you in," he began, "but you can't return with me to Camelot." His demeanor grew more solid as he continued. "I don't care where you go, but don't ever come back here again."

I looked back to the horse's face, stroking its muzzle slowly as I struggled to take this in.

With a heavy sigh, Arthur glanced away restlessly, fidgeting where he stood. "Say something, Merlin," he demanded at length.

I finally shrugged. "What's there to be said? Except, thank you… for not handing me over."

But although his letting me go allowed me to survive, it was otherwise a bad deal for me, and the prince knew it.

"Don't feel badly for sending me away," I said quietly, noticing his disquiet in spite of his efforts to hide it. "I understand why- I know it's your duty, and I wouldn't even expect you to let me go… I understand-"

As if I'd insulted his dignity by insinuating that he might actually care about me, Arthur interrupted angrily. "I'm not sure that you do." He came to stand a short step away from me, continuing in a dangerously quiet tone. "If you are discovered, Merlin, I'll be forced to find you-… and you know the penalty for sorcery."

Swallowing hard, I nodded. Arthur's intense stare didn't let up.

"I don't want to see you killed," he told me, his voice temporarily softer. "But I will _not_ go against my father's laws to save your hide a second time. Now go. You've caused me enough trouble."

When he stepped back, a painful thought occurred to me. "Can't I even have the chance to say goodbye to my friends?"

Arthur faltered for only a moment, then set his jaw. "I can't allow that."

I began to turn away, but my feet were glued to the place where I stood; there was more that needed to be said. "I hope that you'll remember me now and then," I told him, "and that if you do, _this_ won't be foremost in your mind."

Arthur looked away. "It's not as if I could forget you, Merlin."

I felt myself smile at his sardonic tone, though I ached to think of how I would miss hearing it. "I also hope you'll be able to find a new servant who's almost as interesting as me."

"You mean as lazy," he answered, a prick in his words.

I sighed. "I've been… a sorcerer the entire time you've known me, Arthur. All that's changed is your perception of me."

"And that's changed everything," he replied.

Though he had good reason to be harsh, it hurt me all the same. "You are going to be a good king," I told him anyway, "better than your father, if you can learn not to harbor bitterness as he does."

He appeared to bite back an initial response, telling me instead, "I'll not warn you to leave again."

"Would you do me a favor?" I asked. He met my eyes, but spoke not a word. "Gaius has done so much for me… just tell him thanks. For everything."

"Alright," Arthur answered, and when I turned to depart, he again spoke. "Wait- Merlin, take the horse."

I shook my head. "I can't. I do better on foot anyway." In all honesty, I didn't want the burden of a debt. It was enough that Arthur had disobeyed the king by not turning me in.

"You can sell it if you like. Either way, I'm leaving it here." With that, Arthur mounted his own horse, gathering the reins. I prepared to mount as well, but stopped behind my saddle.

"Arthur," I said, drawing his attention one last time. "_I_'m not sorry." I shook my head. "For any of it."

Though he said nothing more to me- either to indicate that he felt the same, or that his resentment remained as strong- I'd never forget that strange look on his face before he rode away alone, back to Camelot. I wracked my brain trying to figure out whether he was more hurt or angry. With Arthur, it was always so hard to tell.

And I thought for sure that now, I'd never really know.

_Arthur_

I can't remember a ride so long as the one that took me home that morning. The silence unnerved me, though I imagined that, with Merlin gone, I'd become used to it. I'd wanted to do what was right, but where was the point if I felt so terrible for it? Thinking back on my conversation with Merlin, I couldn't be sure how much of it I'd actually meant, but I still felt terrible for the pained reaction I'd provoked from him.

When I reached the castle, I was still too wrapped up in my own dilemma to notice that something was wrong. It was walking through the corridors outside the throne room that I heard a commotion, and recognized Gaius' voice; then my father's- both raised to an unusual tone.

I hesitated, having planned to go right to the headmaster among the castle's servants with direction for him to find me a manservant to replace the one I'd lost- for the sooner I got it over with, the better. But either curiosity or concern got the better of me and I entered.

The court physician stood in the center of the room- a guard at either side, and his hands bound. I looked to my father for some sort of explanation, though he gave me no more than an acknowledging glance before returning to the matter in front of him.

"You leave me but one choice," he said, the words difficult for him. "You will be executed tomorrow at dawn."

"What's going on? What's he done?" I burst out, coming to stand before the king.

"We've been fooled," he told me with quiet anger, "for all this time." He gestured to a servant who stood by his throne, and rose to take an object the boy held. "This book of enchantments was found in his chambers." He turned to Gaius with a pained glare. "He admitted his crime."

As he sat back in his throne, I found myself staring numbly at the floor.

I thought through my next move for all of two seconds. "Merlin is the sorcerer."

A whisper went through the court and all eyes turned to me.

"Your manservant?" my father questioned.

I nodded, not daring to turn and see the look the physician must be giving me. No doubt he was lying and taking the blame to protect Merlin- but Merlin wasn't here, and he at least had some chance for escape. "I only found out yesterday," I said.

"Where is he?"

I hid the concern I felt for my old servant at the way my father said those words- as if he couldn't wait to see someone burn at his stake; and to think that that someone might have wound up being Merlin…

"He got away from me," I answered- reasoning that it wasn't too far from the truth. "I can't begin to guess where he might have headed."

"Why didn't you attempt pursuit?"

Again, I hid a wince. "I did try, Father. But I knew it wouldn't be any good on my own."

"Then you must take your knights and track him down- this insult cannot go unpunished."

"What insult?" I exclaimed, rushing to cover for the wizard despite myself. "He's done no harm; it would be a waste of time when there are more important things to be done."

"Are you trying to protect him?" the king suggested, though clearly repelled by the idea. "He's magic, Arthur," he told me pointedly. "They cannot be trusted, much less do they deserve any of your loyalty."

I knew it; it was what I'd been taught to believe since before I can remember. It shook me to the core to be doubting that, but I had to doubt it once I'd stopped to think it through. As far as I knew, Merlin hadn't abused his power in any way. How could he or others like him deserve death, while bandits and true criminals received lighter sentences?

"Yes, Father," I replied, though agreement with what he'd said couldn't have been farther from my mind. But I had to continue in this fashion, as admitting my new, half-hearted beliefs would put me in no position to help Merlin.

"He's insulted us by sneaking around under our noses," my father explained. "You'll take your knights out immediately. Gaius, did you know that you were harboring a sorcerer?"

I looked back to the physician imploringly. He'd no reason to expose himself, and I knew how hurt Merlin would be if anything were to happen to him.

"No, my lord," he said simply.

"Then why did you take the blame for him?" the king pressed.

Gaius hesitated naturally; fabricating his story with what I guessed was practiced ease. "Merlin has been in my care for almost four years, sire. I would not see him killed no matter what he'd done."

I released a breath. Maybe that wasn't so much of a lie.

My father also sighed. "You're free to go," he said, and in a louder voice, went on, "but if I ever catch you aiding him or any other sorcerer, you will be executed, do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, my lord."

"Release him," the king told the guards.

He again turned to me. "What are you waiting for, Arthur?" While I faced him, I wondered if he could really see through me so easily as to know how reluctant I was to go after Merlin.

I did all I could to make my façade more convincing. "I will make preparations immediately." Having bowed slightly, I walked out. When the doors had closed behind me, it sank in that I was lying to my father- which is exactly what I had reproached Merlin for doing. I consoled my troubled mind with the knowledge that lying like this was the right thing to do, for I was protecting someone. What had been Merlin's excuse?

I wanted to stall for time- and therefore give the wizard more of an advantage in getting away- but still needing to avoid suspicion, I went on through the castle to give the order to the knights to move out.

Gaius found me first. I couldn't be certain if he really appeared angry- not accustomed to seeing that expression on his face.

"Why did you do that?" he asked- then I was certain. "Where is Merlin?" He kept his voice low, despite that it had a scolding edge.

I cast a wary glance down both ends of the hall before walking into a vacant room, indicating with a look for the physician to follow.

I turned to him after closing the door behind us. "Did you really know he was a sorcerer?" I also kept my tone cautiously low.

Gaius looked honestly aghast. "He told you."

"I found out," I corrected, folding my arms.

"What have you done?"

I was disconcerted by his fear. What did he expect me to have done? "I sent him away with a warning."

"But you're going after him-"

"Yes. If nothing else, I have to make it look good."

"To do that, you'll have to try to find him; you might let him get away again, but what if one of your men finds him?"

I shrugged. "I'll try to keep that from happening."

"You have to do more than try."

"I can't make any promises, Gaius. Anyway, it's like my father said; he's lied, he's betrayed Camelot- if he gets killed-" I stopped, unwilling to consider that possibility, though I kept up my pretense. " …He should have seen it coming."

"He's done nothing but _protect_ Camelot," the physician exclaimed, "and you. You don't know how many times he's put his own life in danger to protect yours. He cares far more greatly about you than he does himself."

When put to me like that, I was forced to think about it, if only for a moment. And I found that it was true. "Don't worry," I found myself saying. "…Alright. Maybe his intentions are good. But even if they weren't, I don't think I could… I _do_ care about him too, Gaius. I won't let anything happen to him."

The physician held my gaze, determined to see if I meant what I was saying. When he appeared satisfied, I turned to leave.

"Wait," he said. "If you do find him… if you're able to speak with him alone, there's something I want you to give to him."

"Alright," I answered, though I did doubt that speech would be a possibility. After all, my objective would be _not _to find the wizard.

It felt so strange to think of him that way.

Obeying instinct, I unfolded the fabric surrounding the oddly shaped item Gaius handed to me.

I felt one eyebrow quirk of its own accord. "Don't you think he's a little old for this sort of thing?"

The physician hesitated, also eyeing the small wooden dragon. "I suppose you might as well know, now. Balinor- the dragonlord- he made that for Merlin."

I frowned, still not understanding the sort of bond the two had seemed to form in the short time before the dragonlord's death.

"He was Merlin's father."

I blinked a few times before remembering to breathe. The things I'd said to my servant that day came back in an instant- the way I'd treated him. While I recalled attempting sympathy, I was basically telling him to toughen up.

I'd had no idea what I was asking.

"Why would he keep that a secret?" I asked, but reasoning caught up with my rash tongue and I answered my own question. "The magic is hereditary- the suspicion, he didn't-" I stopped, letting out a deep breath.

"I wish I'd known," I said after a moment's silence. "I wish I'd known all of this; I wish he'd never kept it a secret from me."

"He had no choice," Gaius told me, and finally came out of defense mode while he tried to make me understand. "If you had known then- two years ago- would you have let him go? Or would you have turned him in?"

I opened my mouth with the intention of saying 'no', but stopped short once more.

My eyes downcast, I picked up the only other object in the cloth, turning it curiously. "Is there something I should know about this?" I asked.

"Merlin will understand," Gaius said simply as I placed the rabbit's foot back in the cloth, folding it up.

I was beginning to turn away when I remembered the simple request my former servant had asked of me as we'd parted ways.

"Before I left, Merlin asked me to give you a message," I told the physician. "He says thanks; for everything you've done for him."

Gaius smiled slightly. "I don't suppose there's time for me to write him a note."

I shook my head. "I've delayed for too long already. My father might become suspicious."

"I understand," Gaius said- yet another surprise to me, for mostly I get the feeling that _no one_ understands what it's like to be always in the danger of having the king disappointed in me.

"…I can only imagine what he'd think if he knew what I'm doing."

"What you're doing is the right thing," the physician assured me. "You should never be ashamed of that."

_Perhaps he _doesn't_ quite understand- shame isn't the half of it._

"If I should have the chance to speak with Merlin, is there anything that you want me to tell him?"

"Tell him to take care of himself," Gaius replied readily.

It might have been right then that I realized just how much depended on Merlin's life- far more than Merlin himself.

"I will," I promised, and left the court physician's chambers.


	3. Chapter 3

7-19-11

Chap. 3, Daunted

_Merlin_

Though I took the horse Arthur had left, I walked for the first half of the day. It helped me to think- though that was, at the present time, an almost self-destructive activity, but I paid little heed to how tense I felt while submerged in my thoughts.

_How could Arthur do this to me? _I wondered at less understanding moments._ How could_ I_ do this to _myself_? _I knew that was a fairer question. But foremost on my mind was the question of _how_ this could possibly fit into my destiny.

I found myself wishing it were nighttime, for I couldn't call on Kilgarrah without the cover of darkness- and I wasn't coming to answers for these questions on my own.

…One thing I couldn't get out of my head however, was the question of whether Arthur would keep my secret.

I shook my head; ashamed for not trusting him. He'd practically told me he would- but since he didn't trust me anymore, might he very easily come to think that he no longer owed me the truth?

Though why would he have let me go if he wanted me dead?

I stopped in my tracks, tired legs trembling beneath me. _What am I thinking? Arthur couldn't… he wouldn't, not honestly, want me to die, sorcerer or not. Surely…_

The only problem with this was that I simply _wasn't_ sure. And I couldn't tell whether Arthur was at fault for that, or I was.

Sometime after midday, I came upon an open plain, and as it was an appropriate place for a dragon to land, I stopped there.

It wasn't like I was in any hurry.

"Before I tell you anything- do you know what's going on?"

Kilgarrah gave his equivalent of a smile- and the fact that his humor was at my expense did nothing for my mood. "In spite of what you seem to believe, I am not _all_ knowing, Merlin," he said.

"Okay."_ Well then; where to begin?_ "Arthur saw me using magic," I told him. "…And he sent me away."

"And why bring this problem to me?"

"Don't you understand?" I exclaimed, my patience already lost. "If I'm not in Camelot, then how can I protect Arthur?"_ There are a million ways the idiot can get himself killed. _"I don't know what to do, and I've got nowhere else to go; I need your help."

"You don't need any help," the dragon countered. "You need only to stop worrying."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "What, after all you've told me; with so much always depending on everything that I do?"

"It isn't enough to know that you have a destiny- you must believe in it as well. When the time comes for you to act, you will know it."

Though my immediate reaction was to press further about what he meant, I caught myself- what was the use?

"Alright," I replied, submitting to fate- or rather, the hole I'd dug for myself. "In the meantime, what do I do with myself?"

"Keep out of trouble," Kilgarrah directed simply. "Don't assume that you are safe, young Warlock; you're not."

"What do you mean?" I asked, before developing my own guess.

_Arthur._

"Your magic is no longer a secret," the dragon told me, "and therefore, as long as magic is banned, your life is in danger. You must be careful."

"I will," I answered, hardly hearing myself.

As Kilgarrah flew off, I shook my head, refusing to believe the obvious, but having difficulty with dismissing it. If the king's men were after me, haste would be wise, but I couldn't accept that Arthur could give me away. I wouldn't.

_Arthur_

_Please have ridden someplace far away by this time, Merlin._

It was a far-fetched hope, but of course I wished anyway, that somehow, he would be safely away somewhere; anywhere that my men wouldn't find him. Anywhere that I wouldn't find him.

_What will I do if that situation arises_? I wondered. Would I allow him to get arrested in order to save face? I might be able to arrange his escape afterward- that would achieve both purposes I needed to fulfill.

But if it came to a choice between the two?

It was the day after setting out, and my company was deep in the forest, when I heard a call from one of the knights who were widespread searching the wood around me.

I ran ahead anxiously at the sound, my pulse pounding, yet not so quickly as my feet. I came into a field of tall grass where the man stood watching a lone figure racing down the plain- aiming a crossbow at it.

Before a shout could get past my lips, he released his arrow. It caught Merlin in the shoulder, taking him down.

"Stop!" I cried, beside the knight in an instant, grabbing hold of his bow. "What are you doing? You were ordered to arrest him, not to kill him!"

"The king ordered that we shoot on sight," was the reply.

My heart sank. I realized immediately that if I'd been more convincing, my father wouldn't have felt such measures necessary. What's more, he'd spoken to the knights behind my back rather than through me, which was not only intimidating, but humiliating as well.

When the knight made a move to go over to where the wizard had fallen, I yanked him back, keeping him still.

"Sire-"

"It might be dangerous. Stay here; that's an _order_."

I seriously had no idea what I was doing, or what I was about to do, but it took all of my self control not to run in the direction of my friend, panicked to a point that I surprised myself with my concern.

Hearing a smothered groan of pain, I went discreetly toward the sound till I stood in front of Merlin, my mouth agape as my eyes fell on him.

The arrow stood out the back of his shoulder, blood already spreading around the injury. Lying more on his stomach than on his side, he turned his head to see me, dirt in his hair from where he had fallen against the ground.

He looked so helplessly frightened and pained that it hurt, but he made no plea for himself, instead lowering his taut, defeated face against the dirt once more.

It scared me to wonder what he must be thinking.

I tore myself away, heading back to where a few of the knights had gathered.

"He's disappeared," I told them in as strong a voice as I could manage.

"Let's see where he fell, and track him from there," suggested the man who had shot the arrow. "He can't have gotten far with that injury."

"What part of 'disappeared' don't you understand?" I growled. "I mean he _literally_ vanished. He's a _sorcerer_. Let's try to remember that."

I went back into the forest to find the others, hoping with all my might that the men wouldn't suspect what my father had already come to think…

"Come on," I commanded. And they followed.

I spent the rest of that day worrying about Merlin- how long could he last without treatment of an injury like that?- and worrying that I didn't hide that worry well enough from my men. However, if any of them noticed, they chose to make no remark.

I was glad for the cover of darkness that came with the night, for it wouldn't do for them to see me pacing a trench in the ground where I kept guard at the end of the camp. When I felt that enough time had passed for the knights to have fallen asleep, I gathered a few bandages, a torch, a crossbow, and a few other supplies before going quietly to my horse.

I'd intentionally guided the party today in the opposite direction of the stream where Merlin would have gone, telling them some nonsense about a druid camp having been seen in the place where we were headed.

The first place I went now was back to the meadow, right where he'd fallen. Having lit the torch to search for tracks, I spotted stains of blood on shorter patches of grass, and followed Merlin's trail through the stiff grass all the way to the other side of the woods where I then lost his trail. But when I saw the steam up ahead, I remembered a nook behind a small waterfall here where the two of us had camped on a hunt once. To my knowledge, no one else knew of it- it was Merlin who discovered it- and it made perfect sense that he would have camped there.

Except that he must have known when he selected it that I would think to look here if I wanted to find him. If he was here, I hoped it meant that he'd trusted me.

When I came to the waterfall, I slid down from my horse's back, the sack of supplies I'd brought slung over my shoulder along with the crossbow and quiver. I called quietly for Merlin, hoping he would hear through the sound of the rushing cascade, for I didn't want to startle him with my approach. He'd been through far too much today as it was.

I brought the light forward as I entered the cave, slipping between water and rock to see Merlin lying flat on the ground, a sheen of sweat on his face.

I gasped slightly at the sight of his injury despite myself. The surrounding ring of blood had grown, though apparently the still imbedded arrow had stemmed the worst of the bleeding. Except for the bandages, I set everything I carried by his own pile of supplies and sat beside him.

His features drawn in pain, Merlin sluggishly blinked his eyes open, panting harder in fear when he saw me. I did my best to appear less intimidating to him, carefully laying a hand upon his shoulder.

"What are you doing?" he breathed, flinching at my touch.

It was clear to me by now that he thought I'd betrayed him in a way that was far worse than he ever had done to me.

"I'm going to try to keep you alive," I answered him, beginning to observe the wound. Shaking my head, I glanced back at Merlin. "It has to come out," I said, folding a length of cloth.

Merlin gave me a look that was- if not cold… strange. Hurt, like he wanted to be able to hate me for what I'd done, and if he were anyone else, he might have succeeded. "You won't finish what you've started?" he asked quietly.

Acting as if I hadn't heard, I set the bandage beside the wound, taking a grip on the arrow shaft, my other arm firmly over his shoulders.

"Lie still," I instructed. Merlin complied, taking a deep breath as he shut his eyes tight.

A simple yank did the trick, though Merlin's brief cry of pain made me feel badly for it, though I knew I'd had no other choice. I tossed the arrow aside and placed the bandage over the wound as quickly as I could, one hand coming to rub the back of his neck.

An overwhelming desire to explain what had brought us to this situation took me when I saw a tear slip from his eye. I didn't even try to suppress it.

"I didn't want this to happen, Merlin," I told him desperately. "I tried to stop the man who did this, but I was just too late."

"You didn't let me get away," Merlin ground out. "You told me you'd keep my secret-"

"Merlin-"

"-but you lied to me; you came after me anyway."

"No."

"And why? Was it the thrill of the chase-"

"Merlin, shut up and listen to me!" I shouted, barely keeping my hands from unconsciously squeezing harder around his wound. "I never wanted any of this to happen. When I came back to Camelot, someone had found your book of enchantments, and Gaius was blamed. If I hadn't told them it was yours, he would have been killed; would you prefer that I had let that happen?"

His face grew redder while another tear fell. "Is he alright?"

"He's fine," I said, more level as I went on. "But now my father knows about your powers and he sent me after you. I don't know how to prevent them from trying to kill you without looking like I'm protecting you. If anyone knows about that, I'll be of no help to you."

Merlin took deep breaths, calming himself. "I didn't know," he whispered. "I'm sorry. I should have had more faith in you; I'm sorry."

"That doesn't matter anymore," I told him, simply for lack of anything more appropriate to say, and really wishing that he wouldn't have cried. In all honesty, though, I can't be sure that I'd have done any different in his shoes.

Merlin nodded in his defiant manner. "It does matter. I've failed you too, and- Arthur, I won't ask you to forgive me-"

"Merlin," I began, admitting slowly, "you're not the one who should be asking that. …I'm sorry I had to send you away. I'm sorry about all of this, really." My eyes roamed the walls of our cave. "And now I'm- I'm not even sure if I should have made you leave."

"I know why you did," Merlin told me, making an effort not to sound bitter. "Your father's laws."

"That's not what I mean," I said. "Well, I'm not even sure if I know what I mean, but I believe what you said about never intending harm to Camelot. I've been wrong before, but… I don't believe there's an evil bone in your idiotic body."

Merlin didn't laugh at my half-serious words, or even smile. In fact, my humor seemed to make him even more depressed, leading me to wonder just when everything had gone so wrong that I knew of nothing that could pull us out of it?

"But if you keep doing magic," I went on, "that will change in time."

Openly distraught, Merlin shook his head, struggling to push himself up. Seeing his plight, I helped him to sit with his back against a wall, leaned more on his good shoulder while I still held a bandage to the other.

"You can't honestly believe that," he stated doubtfully.

I hesitated before stumbling into a more sensitive subject. "I wouldn't have believed it of Morgana," I told him, to which Merlin appeared briefly awkward. "Only too late I found it was the truth."

"What is it that you hold to be the truth?" he questioned.

"In the end, sorcerers don't have a choice. Magic corrupts them."

Merlin shut his eyes with a sigh. "That's your father talking. You know it."

"That isn't true," I protested with a sense of guilt, for even as I spoke, I knew those words were a lie. "I think for myself, Merlin."

"Not all the time," Merlin said. "When you say that all magic is bad, you're letting him think for you."

"So you're saying I should listen to you instead of him?" I suggested, to which the wizard shook his head.

"No," he replied quietly. "You should make your own decision."

"And I have," I lied, "based on that I've never known of a sorcerer who wasn't evil."

"But that's what the king has you believe." Though Merlin was clearly becoming annoyed, he held my gaze with determination, clinging to patience. "Your father never tells you about the time before magic was banned. When people didn't look down on us, because they knew you had just as much chance to be evil if you were any other simple person. Uther made an enemy of magic when only he and Nimueh were to blame for the queen's death."

I narrowed my eyes, decidedly confused. "You told me Morgause invented that story- did you lie to me then too?"

"I had to," Merlin answered. "You would have killed your father if I hadn't."

I might have told him that wasn't so, but he was right; and I couldn't lie any further.

Though it was easier to accept the idea that I was born of magic this second time, it remained difficult- especially when I considered how that connected me to the very people I was so prejudiced against. The people whom I had seen burnt at a stake.

"Morgause wanted that to happen," Merlin went on, "but what she told you was the truth. I don't think that Uther knew your mother would die, but he must have known that creating one life requires the taking of another."

I shook my head, wishing I could rid my mind of these new ideas that were so confusing. "Isn't it possible that Nimueh tricked my father?"

The wizard nodded. "Whether she truly did or not, that's how he feels about it."

While I could feel Merlin's eyes searching me for some sign of what was going through my head, I kept my own gaze on anything but him.

"I don't know," I sighed at last, "what to believe. I just don't…"

"Don't let him think for you," Merlin repeated softly.

Angered by the further influence on my thoughts, I shook my head at him. "Do you want to know what I _am_ thinking, Merlin? Because honestly, _I_ don't even know. I've never been this confused, and it's all… I need time to think it through."

"I don't know about you, Arthur," Merlin said, "but a lot of time is something I don't have. If your men find me here, I'll be trapped; but traveling would be an issue."

"What happened to the horse I left you?" I asked.

Merlin hesitated, looking mildly embarrassed. "I let him go- he's probably found his way back to the castle by now."

Aghast at his words, I shrugged widely. "What goes on in your head, Merlin?"

"The horse didn't belong to me," he stated, no regret present in his voice. "I couldn't keep what was yours."

"I _gave_ it to you, Merlin," I said, growing less impatient though I understood him less and less. "Well, it doesn't matter anymore then- what matters now is getting you somewhere that's safe until we've cleared this area."

The wizard was silent, watching my face with caution.

"Don't look at me that way," I told him with a vague shadow of a smile that quickly faded. "If I meant to see you killed, I wouldn't have come here alone- besides, you've no choice but to trust me."

Merlin shook his head without a second's thought. "It's not that," he assured me. "…But how are you going to get me out of here?"

That was a good question, but unlike the others, I felt that it was one I could solve.


	4. Chapter 4

1-16-12

Chap. 4, Departure

_Merlin_

I could say I was confused that Arthur had come to help me and was continuing to aid in my escape- but I was more grateful than anything else, and I didn't want to question it. Anyway, I'm not sure even Arthur knew why he was helping me.

After bandaging my shoulder, he decided to take his horse along a road heading east- then ride back to me through the stream so the knights would follow those tracks to one end. I said nothing while he explained his plan, and when he returned a while later, he began picking up the supplies he'd brought and told me the rest.

"I'll pack the rest of these things on my horse," he said. When I frowned in question, he went on with worry; "You can ride, can't you?" It was clear that he'd not considered the possibility.

I nodded in reply, though I doubted I would get far. I was careful not to show it, but my wound still throbbed in a way that I knew could only be remedied by a physician's work.

"You'll take my horse upstream, then," Arthur told me in a clear voice. "When you come to the village of Dipbend, have a physician to see to that injury."

I smiled a bit at that, raising an eyebrow.

Arthur ignored me. "And you may not want to mention that the king's men were after you," he pointed out in an obvious tone, and I nodded. "I'll keep them busy in the east for as long as I can, but- Merlin, I can't guarantee you'll be safe in Dipbend for very long. Move on as soon as you can, and lie low."

At those words, it became painfully clear to me that I was a wanted man. If anyone found out who I was, they wouldn't hesitate to turn me in, or kill me themselves, for surely Uther would reward them. And they would have all the proof they needed that I was a sorcerer- now they needed only to recognize my name or face. Not only could I never return to Camelot or anyplace where I would be known- but I had failed in my destiny. I'd never have the chance to convince Arthur of magic's potential for good if I were not to see him again.

"Time to go, Merlin," the prince said, slinging the pack over his shoulder and offering me a hand. I reluctantly accepted his help to the horse outside our cave and held onto the front of the saddle as he strapped the pack behind it.

"Gaius asked me to give you something," Arthur said. "It's in here. He also told me to ask that you take care of yourself."

"Tell him I'm doing my best," I replied with a wan smile. "And please don't tell him about this, Arthur. I wouldn't want him to worry."  
Arthur nodded. "Okay," he answered quietly, almost respectful of my request. "Get up," he said, and proceeded to secure the foot I raised into the stirrup, then helped me swing my other leg up over the saddle. The abrupt height was dizzying for a moment, but I don't think Arthur noticed as he went around to make certain that my right foot was well in place on the other side.

A thought occurred to me. "Won't the men know you've helped me when they notice your horse missing?"

"Not if I'm careful," Arthur replied stiffly. When he was satisfied that I was well in the saddle, he looked away from my foot, but not to my face. His gaze wandered over the stream beside us, and he appeared lost in thought.

"Arthur?" I said in a low voice, afraid to interrupt his thoughts.

The prince shook his head. "I shouldn't be doing this." His words were almost too soft to be heard; he was so unsure of himself. "It's… wrong. But you _are _my friend, Merlin," he went on with an anguished conscience, finding the courage to look up at me. "And if I were to send you to your death, what would that make me?"

I was hesitant to speak. Arthur viewed everything about me differently now, and a single word might mislead him. "There is no simple solution, Arthur," I said carefully. "Listen, I…" A crooked smile worked its way to my face. "I really don't want to go through this again, so just… goodbye. Arthur. I'll miss you."

Slowly nodding, Arthur whispered, "Yeah. I'll miss you too, Merlin."

He handed me the horse's reins, and I prepared to lead it into the river, but that just wasn't enough. There was so much more I wanted him to know. "I don't expect you to believe me, Arthur," I said in a voice stronger than I'd used in days, "but I wouldn't betray you. I _couldn't_, and I _won't_. For whatever it's worth to you, you do have my word."

I felt a good deal better for getting that out, but my heart grew twice as heavy to hear Arthur's reply.

"I've heard these words before, Merlin," he told me, "and I can't say I'm glad for having believed them."

The worst part was that he looked as if he knew exactly what he was talking about- as if he thought he was seeing right through me. "I've helped you, Merlin," he continued. "It doesn't mean I believe you'll do the same for me one day. Now, maybe, but- not in the future. I'm sorry, too, Merlin. Very sorry. But I can never trust you again."

Though the moments are difficult to remember, I'm sure that my face was blank with shock as Arthur looked away from me, giving the horse's rump a slap and spurring my mount into motion before I steered it into the stream, heading west. Perhaps, I thought, I should have left it at goodbye.

There were so many things I would have wanted to say to Arthur once I'd overcome my numbness from what he'd just told me- _But what would be the use?_ I wondered. For all the good I saw in the prince, Arthur could be ultimately hardheaded when it came to what he'd been trained to believe. And how was I in any position to prove my point to him?

_Arthur_

After returning to the camp, I woke one of the knights to take over the watch. It would be less suspicious if two different people had stood guard in the time that a horse and supplies had disappeared.

Hard as I tried, I barely slept that night. I still felt terrible for having to abandon my wounded friend, despite that I'd no other choice. And if I might have been able to remain to help him, my decision not to would only have been more difficult.

By morning I'd accepted that he and I were on two entirely different paths. He'd made the wrong choice and things would never be the same between us. He was too far-gone for any of my efforts to help him change his ways. But I had been indebted to him; therefore, surely it was the right thing to help him survive. I was paying my debt by ensuring his safety for as long as I could, and once the search was called off, things would be as before. Life would be as it was.

…Except that now, there would be an empty space where Merlin had once been. I felt almost angry with him for having done this to me, while I did believe that he'd never wanted to see me hurt. Again I was unsure about how honestly I meant everything I'd told him, but I _would_ miss him- sorcerer or not. Of that, I was certain.

_Merlin_

My gratitude toward Arthur for letting me escape clashed with my sense of betrayal, for the fact remained that he'd sentenced me to an entirely different life from the one I knew- for the sake of his reputation. I didn't want to be angry- it hurt to be angry, and my injury caused me enough pain.

I couldn't help but wonder if he had qualms about leaving me now, or if he thought he'd made the right choice.

When I'd reached a part of the stream close to a road, I directed my horse to follow it, for Dipbend wasn't far now. It occurred to me that for a physician I'd need money, and untying the pack from behind me, I brought it where I could search through it. Sure enough, there was a small sack of coins, a few of which I put into my pocket. I remembered then what Arthur had told me before- that Gaius had given me something that was in here. I searched harder, and feeling a shape I recognized, unfolded the cloth protecting it.

I fingered my wooden dragon carefully, smiling to think that Gaius had known I'd want it with me. I noticed something else weighing down the cloth, and picked it up, holding it where the moonlight could hit it.

It took me a moment to understand, but the feel of rabbit's fur was unmistakable. I'd held onto it on one of the worst nights of my life, becoming very familiar with the object. At the time, I believed it would bring me good fortune, as was the superstition. I'd always kept it in a cupboard since then, believing it to have done some good.

My smile became grim. Now of all times, I thought, I could really use some good fortune.

1-18-12

e. 8-15-12


End file.
